Easier said than done. Just when I think I am operating with pure, honest intentions, I see my ulterior motives - in the rear-view mirror. YUCK!
I don't mean to have them. I WANT to only do things because it's what God is leading me to do. But, too often, I find instead I'm being led by my soul - my mind, my will, my emotions. Being compelled to do things as a result of unmet needs or wrong beliefs I have about people, life, myself, or God.
I'm not talking about things that are necessarily nasty or hurtful (although sometimes I do that too). I'm talking about "nice" deeds that look so generous and self-sacrificing. Deeds that "look like love" but their not. Their not love because they aren't selfless at all. They have a motive. A motive to meet my selfish needs - to make me feel loved, valued, important, or good about myself. DOUBLE YUCK!! How gross that I do things to fix myself -to make myself feel better. I wish that wasn't the truth. But, it is.
Don't I know by now that only Jesus can heal my weary soul?
Our souls are wounded - the inevitable result of living on earth with other imperfect humans. I have unmet needs, unhealed hurts and unresolved questions and issues of my childhood (and my adulthood) that are still affecting my heart - that still need to be healed.
The good news is I know our souls CAN be healed. I've experienced it first-hand. It's not instant or easy. It fact sometimes it's quite painful -temporarily. It takes effort to re-open wounds from the past - look at them honestly and then ask God to heal them. Not everyone is up for that task. Sometimes staying wounded is something we choose.
This "inner healing" for me has taken on a variety forms - from a process called theophostic prayer to listening prayer/journaling to spiritual cleansing - each "method" God's used to RENEW MY MIND and tell me the TRUTH. Truth we need to hear because our hurts, our misunderstands cause us to believe LIES. Lies that lead to unforgiveness, bitterness, resentment, insecurity, self-hatred, and the list goes on. Then these lies affect our behavior. So the only way I see to live out of a pure motives is to have our heart healed and our mind renewed - something I need to do on a daily basis.
What I need is a new revelation of GOD. To know Him for who HE truly is. To understand His love for me and to believe the truth about WHO HE says I am. To me, that's what a healed, healthy and whole soul looks like - one who knows the TRUTH and has been set free. That's what I want, a completely transformed mind. TO know the truth about God, myself, others, my past, my present, my future. In this place - all ulterior motives are washed away. All my needs are met. All my hurts are healed. All my questions are answered. This is healing. This is where pure motives can flow freely - from a heart that is healed.
I remember many years ago (in the beginning my healing journey) Jesus gave me a vision of my heart. I was standing before Him holding my heart in my hands and crying. My heart was bruised and bloodied. It was a complete mess. Jesus held out His hands and took my heart from me. In that instant my heart was completely healed. It looked brand new. I was so impressed, so happy.
I reached out to Him with my hands extended - ready to take my heart back and He said "No".
I was completely shocked. I needed my heart back! How could I live without it? Wouldn't I die? Then Jesus said, "if you take your heart back it will only get battered and bruised again. That's what happens when you give your heart to other humans." I understood that we are all wounded and subconsciously hurt each other as a result. I asked Him then, "How can I survive - without my heart?" He replied, "Leave it in my hands. I will keep it safe. IF your stay close to me - you will also be close to your own heart." Then He reached out to me to give me hug. As He held me in His arms I felt completely healed. I knew I was safe. I knew then that ONLY HE could give me the love and acceptance my heart needed. I knew I would remain whole as long I as I was connected to Him.
If only I remained in that place - permanently. I've found as I've lived life, I gently move away. Not on purpose. I get busy. I get distracted. I drift. AND THEN... I take my heart with me. My soul regains control and starts directing my thoughts, my behaviors, my feelings... and I end up again with impure motives and a wounded heart.
Jesus, help me stay close to you - with my heart in your hands. I know YOU are ALL I need and only in YOU am I healed and whole.
I guess it really is - easier said than done.
