to whom much is given

I've been thinking a lot about stewardship lately. Might seem like a boring subject at first glance - but I think in reality it's a very significant spiritual principal that many of us overlook. To take good care of what God's given you; to invest it wisely; to see an increase - pretty serious stuff. When I consider what it means to be a good steward... honestly, it's convicting.

I remember when I first started dating my husband. I would go to his parents house and I was amazed. Not by wealth or fancy stuff but by HOW WELL they took care of what they had. Everything looked like new. I remember thinking how much time and energy must be spent cleaning off the grill after each meal or hosing off the lawnmover after each use to keep it looking sparkly new. I remember thinking that was too much work and they should just use their stuff and replace it as needed. Just use stuff up, wear it out and buy new again. What spoiled, immaturity.

After marrying my husband, I grew to appreciate how he takes care of things. Ok, he might not be as particular as his parents, but his stuff still looks better than mine. He knows the value of things and he wants to take care of what God's given him.

This concept of taking care of what you've been given goes far beyond your toaster or your lawnmower. I see now how we also need to be good stewards of our hearts, of our relationships, of our children, of our talents, of our homes, cars, clothes, etc., etc.

There are two verses that come to mind when I think about how we are asked to steward ourselves and our stuff. The first says something like - if you are a good steward with a little, more will be given to you. The second verse says - to whom much is given, much will be required. Ok... so if we take care of (clean, fix, maintain, pay for) the small, inexpensive house then we will be given a bigger one? maybe. But what about that second part - when much is given to us MUCH MORE IS REQUIRED... ie. more cleaning, more fixing, more maintenance, more money to pay the thing off! Sounds like a lot MORE work.

With blessing - comes work. What a concept. It seems most of the time we want to win the lottery and ignore the taxes and the work of managing and investing the money we've won! We want to be blessed and lazy - basically.

I've also been thinking about this idea of stewardship as it relates to our talents. I have very gifted children (as do all of us) and when I look at them I think - wow... much will be required of you. God has entrusted you with some amazing skills, abilities and talents and I know HE would love to use those - to work through you... if you'll let Him.

But of course, we can say no. We can say no, I don't want to clean, fix and maintain my gifts - I want to be blessed and lazy. Then what? That reminds me of the old adage - use it or lose it. Does that apply to the material possessions as well? maybe. If we don't take care of what we've been given, do we lose it? maybe.

I want to be a good steward. I thank God for the examples of stewardship that He has placed in my life. Those who take care of their things, those who take care of their hearts, their relationships, their talents. Those who have been dilligent with the small things, have been blessed with much more, and are fullfilling the requirements that go along with it all.

because... much is required.

created to love and be loved

We were created by LOVE, to love and be loved - to experience an awesome two way interchange of a powerful choice, a powerful emotion, a powerful action - authentic, untainted LOVE. Yet, here we are. Most of us, not experiencing this LOVE transaction - at least, not like it was intended.

God, in his ultimate wisdom, placed us here - on Earth with other broken, human beings. All of us created by Love, needing Love and wanting to Love - but not knowing how.

Some of us had amazing examples. We watched our parents, our friends, or other family members love each other - and we learned from them. We learned who LOVE is. We learned what LOVE looks like. We learned how to LOVE, how to be loved by God, how to love God in return, and then how to love others.

But sometimes we don't have examples - or even when we do, we miss it. We fail to see what's right before us. We don't get it. And we end up not knowing LOVE - not really. Oh sure, we might feel passionate emotions, empathy, need, desire, even compassion... but not LOVE.

I think LOVE must be received first before it can be given or felt for another. If we don't feel, experience and receive unconditional love, how can we KNOW it? And, how can we give or feel something we've never known?

Many times what we think is love, is not. It's really a saccharin, a substitute, a counterfeit for true LOVE. And it suffices for only a time. It is sweet enough to get us by - but, it doesn't compare to the real thing. And it's this lack of true LOVE that leads to our less than satisfying relationships.

I've always been relational - desiring and even needing people in my life. People who love me and WANT to be a part of my daily reality. However, thoughout my life I've found myself continually disappointed by my relationships. I know oftentimes I'm left wanting more due to my unhealthy desire to get my own needs met (see previous post - re: the soul). But, even when I'm allowing God to meet my needs and heal my heart; even when I am feeling and receiving HIS true, deep, unconditional LOVE; I generally still end up desiring my human relationships to be deeper, more authentic, more intentional.

I've found people generally develop relationship around a common need or task. They get together for a shared purpose or objective. How boring to only be in relationship with those you "work" with. I think this is great way to meet people -but not the best reason to maintain a relationship. And, what happens when the common purpose is over or your accomplish your goal? The relationship fades.

Getting along with others well enough to get work done is important - but is this true relationship? friendship? LOVE? I don't think so. I think it's camaraderie, at best.

To me the most satisfying relationships are with those who come with their needs ALREADY met by GOD. Who are not looking to fix or be fixed. Who are not looking to me to met their needs and aren't consumed with meeting mine. Who aren't so focused on doing, that they can't enjoy just BEING.

My best relationships have developed when each person CHOSE to invest in the other - not for any ulterior motive - but only to express LOVE. To give of themselves because they had something to give. These friendships are two way. Both put energy in. Both are committed to the maintenance and growth of the relationship. BOTH participate. When we sow regularly, we reap big blessings from our garden of friendship. What kind of blessings? Blessings like growth, development and transformation - emotional, spiritual, relational.

I'm personally convinced that it's through these authentic relationships that we are transformed. God uses these honest, transparent friendships to teach us how to forgive, how to relate, understand, listen, dream, support and LOVE one other. They aren't easy or automatic. They take time, energy, honesty and work. They must go through hard times - like when you tell the truth that's hard to hear or need to ask for forgiveness - but, in spite of it all, you BOTH choose to press on.

I believe we all have the opportunity to touch another's life in the most beautiful ways - and to be transformed in the process. Because we were created to love and be loved, LOVE gave us the gift of not ONLY experiencing and receiving HIS perfect love, but then learning how to LOVE one another. AND, through this giving and receiving relationally - we are forever changed. It's a beautiful premise. An amazing story.

If only more people would participate! If only we would step outside of our busyness and make time to invest in one another. To give what only we have to give and to receive what others have for us.

Jesus, teach us how to receive and experience YOU - true LOVE. Let our hearts be healed by your unchanging, unconditional love. Let us choose to love you in return. AND then, teach us how to truly love one another. Teach us how to relate in ways that are authentic, healthy, satisfying and TRANSFORMATIONAL to our souls.

teach us how to love and be loved.

pure motives

Easier said than done. Just when I think I am operating with pure, honest intentions, I see my ulterior motives - in the rear-view mirror. YUCK!

I don't mean to have them. I WANT to only do things because it's what God is leading me to do. But, too often, I find instead I'm being led by my soul - my mind, my will, my emotions. Being compelled to do things as a result of unmet needs or wrong beliefs I have about people, life, myself, or God.

I'm not talking about things that are necessarily nasty or hurtful (although sometimes I do that too). I'm talking about "nice" deeds that look so generous and self-sacrificing. Deeds that "look like love" but their not. Their not love because they aren't selfless at all. They have a motive. A motive to meet my selfish needs - to make me feel loved, valued, important, or good about myself. DOUBLE YUCK!! How gross that I do things to fix myself -to make myself feel better. I wish that wasn't the truth. But, it is.

Don't I know by now that only Jesus can heal my weary soul?

Our souls are wounded - the inevitable result of living on earth with other imperfect humans. I have unmet needs, unhealed hurts and unresolved questions and issues of my childhood (and my adulthood) that are still affecting my heart - that still need to be healed.

The good news is I know our souls CAN be healed. I've experienced it first-hand. It's not instant or easy. It fact sometimes it's quite painful -temporarily. It takes effort to re-open wounds from the past - look at them honestly and then ask God to heal them. Not everyone is up for that task. Sometimes staying wounded is something we choose.

This "inner healing" for me has taken on a variety forms - from a process called theophostic prayer to listening prayer/journaling to spiritual cleansing - each "method" God's used to RENEW MY MIND and tell me the TRUTH. Truth we need to hear because our hurts, our misunderstands cause us to believe LIES. Lies that lead to unforgiveness, bitterness, resentment, insecurity, self-hatred, and the list goes on. Then these lies affect our behavior. So the only way I see to live out of a pure motives is to have our heart healed and our mind renewed - something I need to do on a daily basis.

What I need is a new revelation of GOD. To know Him for who HE truly is. To understand His love for me and to believe the truth about WHO HE says I am. To me, that's what a healed, healthy and whole soul looks like - one who knows the TRUTH and has been set free. That's what I want, a completely transformed mind. TO know the truth about God, myself, others, my past, my present, my future. In this place - all ulterior motives are washed away. All my needs are met. All my hurts are healed. All my questions are answered. This is healing. This is where pure motives can flow freely - from a heart that is healed.

I remember many years ago (in the beginning my healing journey) Jesus gave me a vision of my heart. I was standing before Him holding my heart in my hands and crying. My heart was bruised and bloodied. It was a complete mess. Jesus held out His hands and took my heart from me. In that instant my heart was completely healed. It looked brand new. I was so impressed, so happy.

I reached out to Him with my hands extended - ready to take my heart back and He said "No".

I was completely shocked. I needed my heart back! How could I live without it? Wouldn't I die? Then Jesus said, "if you take your heart back it will only get battered and bruised again. That's what happens when you give your heart to other humans." I understood that we are all wounded and subconsciously hurt each other as a result. I asked Him then, "How can I survive - without my heart?" He replied, "Leave it in my hands. I will keep it safe. IF your stay close to me - you will also be close to your own heart." Then He reached out to me to give me hug. As He held me in His arms I felt completely healed. I knew I was safe. I knew then that ONLY HE could give me the love and acceptance my heart needed. I knew I would remain whole as long I as I was connected to Him.

If only I remained in that place - permanently. I've found as I've lived life, I gently move away. Not on purpose. I get busy. I get distracted. I drift. AND THEN... I take my heart with me. My soul regains control and starts directing my thoughts, my behaviors, my feelings... and I end up again with impure motives and a wounded heart.

Jesus, help me stay close to you - with my heart in your hands. I know YOU are ALL I need and only in YOU am I healed and whole.

I guess it really is - easier said than done.

reviving the artist within

There's an amazing transformation I've been experiencing over the past few years - an awakening of the parts of my heart that were asleep for many years. After 15years of abandoning most creative expression, the Lord awaken these parts of my heart and I started singing, dancing, writing and creating again.

It was the most incredible, beautiful and fulfilling experience - to began to do some of the very things He created me to do - for my enjoyment and for His. I realize now that this need to be creative is very significant for me. Just as God is the Creator - He created us in His image - making each of us, also creative.

For the last few years I've been writing my thoughts in random places. This has been difficult for me to track and hard to share. Hopefully this blog will be a better way for me to log my writing and to invite those who care (and those who are curious) to read my ramblings.

As I look back on why these very fulfilling aspects of myself were lost for so many years, I begin to realize how our judgements of ourselves and others effect what parts of our hearts we accept and reject. We determine in our own minds what's valuable, worthwhile and productive - and then discard or suppress the rest.

I think it's kinda funny when I think about it - that most of us try to fit everything in life into categories. And, as much as I've tried to break out of these boxes (and acknowledge that there really is NO BOX!) The more I see again and again that we all come back to safe, clearly-defined categories for ourselves that end up restraining our thinking, our life experience and our potential.

When I was young I loved to pretend, to sing, to dance. As I grew up, I loved musical theater, writing, vocal performance. Then I entered college. I realized that these "hobbies" were not going to take me very far (unless I wanted to wait tables in New York or LA.) So, being a realist, I took a look at my skills and I decided to study something much more practical, communications.

I realize now, 20 years later, that my decision for a major in college was much more than that for me. I was placing value on the practical, administrative, productive skills and letting go of the artistic and even relational sides of myself.

I am grateful now that God is showing me what HE values, what HE enjoys. It's not only the organized, practical, administrator. It's also the creative, artistic, dreamer, writer, singer, dancer.

And I can be them ALL!

random thoughts

I had an interesting conversation with someone today that really made me think, reflect, ponder. You know - be deep... for longer than the usual five minutes. We talked about the roller coaster ride that my husband and I got on about 7 years ago. About the changes we made in our lives. How we let go of the things we once viewed as so important - to grab hold of things we felt were important to God.

Now I'm NOT talking about sin or super religious ideas. I mean letting go of the safety and the fear that holds you in patterns of behaviors that end up controlling your life - without you even knowing it. This is real rubber-meets-the-road-kinda-stuff like a big, nice house, highest-quality education, a fancy, corporate career, etc. etc - in other words - the American Dream.

We felt we had a choice. To walk away from the safe, the predictable, the material world that we could manipulate and control (THE MATRIX) and CHOOSE to be OUT OF CONTROL and FREE to follow God wherever He would lead and willing to live radically. We chose the "red" pill. Wow - what an eye-opener that was. Now we find ourselves saying things like - simple is better, less is more, CASH only, public school, dance, sing, laugh hard and REST in GOD!

I am considering now how different our life would have been if we stayed on the path we were on. The path we created. The path that was worn and wide and comfortable. The way that was easy. To still be doing the things that came natural. Where would we be today?

God is so good. He delivers us from ourselves. He gives us opportunities to deny of ourselves and to take up our cross and follow Him. We get to say Yes. Yes to the narrow way. Is that easy? No. Is it fun? No. Is it popular? No. It is life-changing? YES. And is it HEART-CHANGING? YES!! And isn't that His ultimate goal? To change our hearts until we look more like Him? Yes - of course it is.

Why do we think then that this enormous change will happen in normal, painless ways? Why are we surprised when life throws us a curve, or a heartache, or a loss? Doesn't HE know what's best? Doesn't He know what we need to be transformed into His image and likeness? Sometimes we need hard lessons. Sometimes we need to be challenged.

It was good to be reminded about these truths and to look back on our last 7 years. I'm so glad we said yes and got on this roller coaster with God. It's not safe. It's not predictable. It's not easy. Sometimes it beats your body ragged. But, it's worth it.

I desire to ride each day with my arms waving in the air, screaming wildly from the top of my lungs. Because - to me- this is living life to the fullest. No fear - only trust in the Most High God. No regrets - because we continue to say YES - yes to His crazy, wild, difficult, transforming plans.

On the ride of my life........