Wow. I can't believe it's been five months since I've blogged. I have certainly had many random thoughts over the past five months that I could've shared. Truth is many of the thoughts I had over these months have been truly trivial, some of them have been a bit confusing, and a very few have been borderline disturbing.
I had a BIG birthday since my last blog and that was what caused many of my confusing/borderline disturbing thoughts.
Don't get me wrong. I was actually very excited to cross over into the next decade. To me growing older is VERY SIGNIFICANT. I feel it's an honor and a privilege to still be on this planet experiencing this amazingly blessed life. So, if that were the only reason (which it's not), I believe ALL birthdays should be richly celebrated, appreciated, and enjoyed to the fullest.
My confusion, and what ultimately ended in my disappointment, was being one of the only ones in my life who actually feels this way about birthdays. Unfortunately, I apparently have very unrealistic expectations of the people in my life.
Isn't that often true for many of us. Isn't it common to see the world through our own paradigm, our own values, our own personality. We think everyone sees things the way we do. Until the dreaded disappointment comes. Until that day when we are there waiting... and waiting... and waiting for someone to do what we are sure they will do - and then, they don't. BUMMER!!
You would think I've outgrown such silly expectations. You would think after all God has done in my heart that I'd be able to see BEYOND such trivial, earthly things. Well... I can't. I wish I could. Believe me. I would be much happier if I cared a WHOLE LOT LESS about such things. As a friend of mine always says... "I'm working on it."
It seems I live with a curse. A curse that some would call a blessing, but to me - more often than not it FEELS like a curse. I love too much. Really it's true. I care too much about people and I have a huge desire, maybe even a need, to be in deep relationships that MATTER. I want to be connected to other people - to know what is going on in their HEARTS.
This desire is such a hassle really. Sometimes I wish I were someone who didn't really need others. Someone for whom relationships were purely a function of tasking. Someone who thought deep conversations were boring. Someone who could "love the one their with" so to speak. But no. Not me. I have to care. I have to want to know what's really going on. I have to actually desire relationship just for relationship-sake - with no agenda or ulterior motive.
I really don't understand why God played such a evil trick on me. To make me this way and then to make the majority of the people in my life the opposite. It's really a challenge.
After the passing of my big day and subsequent events, I was very confused. Most of those I considered my closest friends missed it. Either they wished me well in their own way, or they let the moment come and go without a word. Funny. Kinda strange.
It really made me take a look at my relationships. I personally think one of the most difficult things in life is to know WHO your friends are. Was this event a defining moment for my friendships? Probably not, considering most people don't place the same value on time passing (birthdays) that I do.
Ok. So, if this was NOT a defining moment, then what ARE the indicators of a tried and true lifelong friend?
Calls, emails, planning to spend time together, asking about you? Seem like simple things but they don't happen as often as you'd think.
You know, in the midst of all this disappointment and confusion, I decided to just be nice to everyone. I had to work through forgiving a long list of people who I had expectations on. These folks has NO IDEA that they let me down. They don't know that I needed to forgive them. But I did.
So now that I've forgiven and forgotten and I'm choosing to be "nice," the real issue arises. What relationships do I INVEST in??
One confusing factor is that I am a counselor. Not officially. But that's how God uses me - as a "pastor" or lay minister. I meet with people to talk, pray, process, mentor etc. God always brings women and girls into my life for me to pour into. The problem then becomes - BOUNDARIES!!
After some time in these relationships, my soul begins to think (as does the one I'm meeting with) that this is a personal friendship. We both begin to believe that we can count on the other person to be a part of our life, our story. When the truth is, we can't. These types of relationships are seasonal. They are serving a very specific purpose and we need to embrace that purpose and then move on. That is extremely hard for someone who loves too much. I always want to hang on.
The borderline disturbing thoughts I had over the past five months are that I realize I have WRONG EXPECTATIONS and WRONG DESIRES in this area of friendship. So, I've been praying about it a lot. Asking God to give me a Godly perspective on my relationships.
As a result, I am being way more intentional and purposeful with my time. I am protecting some of it. I am no longer "free" to meet with whoever wants to. I am being selective and asking the Lord to show me how to invest my time, my energy. After all, these are valuable resources that are exhaustive. We can't take our lives for granted.
Nonetheless, I did have a few very special, fellow "birthday-lovers", who made a sincere effort to love me and bless me as I marked this milestone in my life. It was these friends who really made my birthday fabulous. My family, of course, was amazing as well.
I want to live a full, abundant life with those people GOD calls me to be in relationship with - no more, no less.
