I was born a fixer. I love solving problems, developing creative solutions, making things all better.
Not only is this a gift set of mine, but it also fit well into my family of origin. That's right... I am a first born child. A first born child from a divorced home with an alcoholic, bi-polar parent. A perfect scenrio for a person who likes being the savior.
I was the one who loved to jump in and fix it, pick up the pieces, parent my parents and work hard to keep everything in balance.
Only problem with this was that by 15 years old, I was exhausted! I had the stress level, responsibilities, and concerns of an adult. It wasn't much fun. I was pretty serious and became a very deep thinker.
By 16, I was ready to live a little - and about that time, I met my husband. If you know him, you will agree that he really knows how to have fun, be silly and enjoy life. It was great.
I often say that I had my childhood from 16-27. (At 27, I had my first baby so I had to become a bit more of an adult again.) But I thank God for those carefree years with my childhood sweetheart and now husband of 19 years.
Over the past 20 years, I've been on a long journey of healing. An ongoing pursuit of allowing the Lord to heal the wounds in my heart - the wounds created by painful experiences of the past and those created by lack.
As a result, I am no longer the person I once was. It's truly amazing to me what an incredible impact this healing journey had on my personality.
I often tell people I pray with - don't be surprised if you change as a result such healing prayer... meaning become more fully who your truly are. As you are healed from hurts, fears and confusion, you become FREE to be your true self. The one God created. Not the one created by YOU to survive.
It's true. We make choices about others, ourselves and even God as a result of our pain - choices that change how we operate, what we believe to be true, how we experience life. Choices that ultimately change WHO we are.
So often our personalities are literally shaped by the negative influences of our lives. We end living/surviving as someone who is always waiting for the next shoe to drop or for the rug to be pulled out from under us.
Not me. Not anymore. After 6 years of counseling and 7+ years of inner healing, I have discovered who I was truly created to be... a fun-loving, adventure-seeking, never boring ME. I have learned how to process my pain and to forgive my parents.
I can now accept them for who they are and for who they aren't, without needing anything from them. Now, I can just be their friend.
Sometimes it's still a challenge, though. Sometimes, I still get bothered or concerned after talking to one of them. Especially if they have a problem I think I could solve!
Remember, my soul was created to FIX THINGS. And… I could intervene - I could make it all go away. HOWEVER, I believe Holy Spirit says NO. This is not my job. Is this voice my soul? I don’t think so b/c my soul’s normal reaction would be to save the day. I love saving the day.
BUT, the LORD has trained me to watch, listen, wait, pray, then to watch, listen, pray and wait some more. I am not the person I was 20 years ago.
I am no longer a fixer. I don't have to be. Now, I am free.
